...Or "Why Mangi Needs to Pay Attention to Himself and Not be Such a Fuck Up"
Despite the fact that JH and I broke up a few months ago, we have continued to remain good friends, as evidenced by the recent travels. However, since we have been hanging out, there has been that bit of tension there since we were once a couple. I admit that despite it all, I still had feelings for JH.
Recently JH approached me about getting back together. I held off because I wasn't sure I wanted to get back with him, plus due to some of the reasons behind the breakup, I questioned his motives. I wanted to be sure it was JH who wanted me back because he wanted to be with me and not because it was him being jealous that I had been seeing other people. He wasn't happy with the fact that I kept on questioning him, but I just needed to know it.
Last weekend it all came to a head, and what it came down to was "Are you going to be with me, or not, because I am not going to wait around forever for an answer." I'm sitting there and I am trying to sort out what I am feeling because I want him back but I am not completely ready to say yes. Yet I ultimately said I wanted to be back together.
So there, we were a couple again, but something still didn't feel right. A few days later we had another conversation, and JH said "Are you absolutely sure you want to have a relationship?" and I said yes, thinking that I did. I wanted to be with JH because we had a good thing going on and I thought we could make it work again.
Then I woke up the next morning and one of my first thoughts was "Mangi, what the fuck are you doing? You're not ready for this, you're going to lose your independence." Finally it came out as to just what it was that was bothering me.
When I was single again, I relished being completely independent. As my parents can tell you, I have always had a streak of wanting to be independent and do things on my own. After JS but before JH, I had actually learned that I was fine with being on my own, I could do it without a problem. I liked it when I could do what I wanted, when I wanted, and I didn't have to answer to someone over what I was doing and/or what I wanted to do. Now don't get me wrong in that I liked doing things with JH because we had very similar interests and could find stuff that was mutually satisfying, I just happened to re-discover selfishness and I liked it.
So now I am in this quandry, I like being with JH, but I also like my independence. How to resolve this? Well let's be honest, there isn't really a good way to do that right now, especially because being in a relationship means that no, you can't just do what you want, and yes, you won't just automatically get your own way.
I tell about this to one of my friends, and he proceeds to lay a verbal smack upside the head as to what I was doing, and he threw to me some advice, which will come up later.
So now its the matter of how do I explain this to JH? For the next few days I would agonize over this because I knew this was a potential minefield, plus I was kicking myself because in my mind, I screwed up big time, and JH would have every right to be angry and not want anything to do with me, and I would have deserved it. In the meantime, I was also cautious around him, not trying to overly flirt or whatever because if it came to that we needed to step back and just be friends, I didn't want to lead him on and therefore make things worse.
Finally tonight I just admitted to everything that was bothering me. Surprisingly enough JH wasn't mad at me, and was rather understanding. He had picked up something was not right from me, and he was just waiting for me to admit that I wasn't ready for a relationship. He doesn't want to be in a relationship if I am having doubts about being able to commit, and I don't blame him, I wouldn't want to be in that either. He doesn't hate me and still wants to be friends. In fact, we're attending the Ravens vs Browns game tomorrow, so I should be in bed now, but I had to get this out.
Anyway, in the meantime however I am taking the advice of my friend. I am taking a hiatus from dating right now. I still want to hang out with friends, meet new people and such, but I am not actively seeking to date or even just get some. I am going to take time for myself and do just what it is that I want, and also learn more about just what it is I want out of my life and my relationships. I know I will be better for it.