A space to post my thoughts and musings about anything. This includes but is not limited to community, politics, current events, dating, GLBTQ issues, favorite things, and stuff that would make your dead relatives blush. I am not afraid to go there, as some can attest.

May 31, 2009

Hitting the Dark Place

Reality is beginning to sink in now about the events of the last few days, and it is putting me into a rather dark mood.

In about 15 hours, I should have been getting ready to board a plane to Latvia to give my presentation on Thursday before taking a vacation to Rome.  Instead, I will be at home, unable to leave because fate is a cruel cruel mistress.

I just want to know one thing, what the fuck did I do to deserve this?  That trip to Europe was supposed to be the highlight of my summer.  I spent six months, from the time that there was a call for papers to the point where I had a polished presentation ready to go until last week when I landed in the hospital.  That paper and presentation was something that I put in a lot of time and effort, and for what?  So that I could sit on my ass and watch TV most of the day because it sometimes hurts to move?

The worst part about it is the fact that I am homebound.  I can't even make up for the loss of going to Europe right now by being able to do something else.  I'm only now starting to have more normal bodily functions, I still don't have my car, and most activities I would partake in are banned until I see the doctor, and that is on Thursday.  

Part of what is driving this dark mood is undeserved guilt that I am bringing on myself.  My boss has to give my presentation for me, people have had to bring me food, and some have even helped with cleaning up my apartment.  You know what, I feel wrong about it, like I am putting them in a position they shouldn't be in.  I made any mess that is in my apartment, I should have to clean it up (I would totally suck at having a maid).  I probably sound like an ungrateful bastard, but it's difficult to break from that learned trait that I am a complete and utter selfish dickhead if I make others do things that I could be and should be doing myself.

I'll get over this eventually, but probably not until I can resume normal activities again.