A space to post my thoughts and musings about anything. This includes but is not limited to community, politics, current events, relationships, LGBTQ+ issues, favorite things, and stuff that would make your dead relatives blush. I am not afraid to go there, as some can attest.

August 26, 2007

Misunderstandings and Mishaps

No, this has nothing to do with Godspell, that went well, but it's for another entry.

Remember how I said that Joshua wanted to be "just friends"? According to him, he said the wrong thing because what he really wanted was to step back for a few weeks because I was busy with things, between Godspell, moving, and work, he felt I was spreading myself very thin and that it was not a good time for me to also be focused on him as well.

I get the feeling there's bit of projection here, he wanted a bit of time for himself to figure some things out, but he also forced me to do a bit of the same. As it is, he's started using his gym membership more and he's going to temple. I'm looking into a gym membership after I move, and I've been very involved in my church. So we definitely have made some changes to get into some good routines for ourselves.

He's made it clear that he wants to be with me in some capacity, whether it's friends or more, thought right now he's definitely leaning towards more. He's looking at the current situation as sort of a bump in the road, and we'll see what it does.

Now I need to think about things, whether I want to go with a relationship with him after my moving and everything else is done, or if I would rather wait to try to sort some other things out and just remain friends for a while. Perhaps we need to see other people first, and if either of us find someone else that makes us happy, well then it wasn't meant to be as a relationship.

It's just so hard to say that right now because when I am around him, I'm happy. If someone could read my mind this past Saturday they would see that even though I got a bit anxious about him being there because I didn't want to make it seem like I was pining for him, I was really so very happy to see him and be around him. Then to have him come up and hug me after the show and give me a kiss and tell me what a great job I did, that was something that just put me on cloud 9. I was so unhappy when he had told me he wanted to just be friends, but I was learning to accept that thought as well. In all honesty, I would rather do what it takes to make both of us truly happy, and yeah, if it meant letting him go, I would do it. I would rather be happy being with him, whether it's just friends or more than friends, than try to create this fantasy that we should be together as boyfriends and make each other miserable instead. That was the mistake I made with Mike, and I'm not going to repeat it again.

So tonight we talked and he told me that yeah, he screwed up with the original message he sent, he was just trying to do what he thought would make me happy for right now, because he said he could tell I was getting very stressed. I don't think it quite clicked that him stepping back added some extra stress for a while there, especially because the reasons I was getting did not make sense. Now whether it was because I wasn't interpreting what he was saying, or because he wasn't doing a good job of explaining it, or even because he was keeping it back from me, I can't say for sure.

All in all, what it comes down to is that I want to be around Joshua in some form because he is a good guy to be with, he's done a lot of good for me and he treats me well. Yes, were these recent events a shit thing to do? Yeah, and I recognize that, and it makes him a bit more human. But, I'm also able to bring that up to him that "yeah, that was kind of a shit thing and it left me very confused as to why you did it." So he now knows that he wasn't very clear when he originally said he just wanted to be friends.

He's going to be going home next week to help his parents out. I think he should also use that time to think things over about us, and see how he really feels about things. I have a planned vacation coming up myself, and I will do the same. What comes out of it, we will see. I really really like this guy, and maybe it's even love, but maybe it's not, and I should really sit down and think things out for myself and where I want to go from here. I know what my parents would say, which would be that I should date a number of different people, but I'm a bit resistant to that idea, but that's a whole other can of worms that I shouldn't get into right now unless I want to be awake for another hour.

As for mishaps, as I was working to unlock the door tonight, I had a 6-pack box of beer that had four beers, one small bottle of Absolut, and a small bottle of Alize, and the bottom dropped out on the box. So crash goes a bunch of glass bottles onto the hallway floor. My next door neighbor comes out to see what happened and I tell her, so at least she knows that no, there's not a serious problem going on here. Somehow the side of my ankle got cut, so I had to bandage that up. Then I had to sweep and mop up broken glass and alcohol. Two beers and the Absolut were victims in this case, everything else was amazingly okay.

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