The last few days have been a roller coaster, and not in a fun way.
Friday afternoon one of the software testers comes to me and says that they have a problem with one of the instruments I released earlier this month. Apparently when they exit the survey, they get a red X of death that states there's a memory access violation. Last month's survey release did not do this, but something about this month's has. I spent the afternoon with my project manager hammering away at this issue, trying to figure out what was going on. We were unable to figure out what was going on that would cause this error, yet even though this error was going on, it did not seem to be dropping data out of the instrument either.
Eventually I left and met up with some friends to go out to dinner. It was nice, had to leave early though because I was under the mercy of the Metrobus system, and I was thinking they were going to close up shop around 10 or 11.
Saturday was nice, I accomplished a major task of shopping thanks to Costco once again. I spent the afternoon puttering around, doing some cleaning and such. Talked to my cousin Josie and there's an offer on the table to go up and visit with her and her kids and grandkids for Christmas day, I may take her up on that. I really don't know what I want to do in all honesty. Part of that is just that I am still in that bit of self-denial about the fact that I am not going home this Christmas, but that's just how it goes when your life is in upheaval at the time you should be buying plane tickets.
Saturday night was split between two Christmas parties, one with some friends from church in Bowie, great spread and lots of good conversation. The second one was in DC, and it was being hosted down at the 17th Street Cafe by a friend of mine from New Mexico that I had not seen since I had moved out here. He just moved to Arlington so it was my chance to re-connect with him, which I did. As usual I don't consider the fact that it's a party in DC and show up underdressed, but I didn't care, I wore that nice T-shirt with a whole lotta confidence.
Yesterday was the usual morning service at church, this time discussing the gospel lesson of John the Baptist sending out his disciples to ask Jesus if he is the one, and being told to observe and report back to John about what they saw and heard. I actually participated in the sermon by reading the part of John in a small skit that imagined the conversation between him and one of his disciples about what they saw and heard.
I went down to Joshua's house that afternoon and got to meet his new boyfriend. He's a pretty nice guy and Joshua's pretty devoted to him. We went to a Christmas party down in Accokeek thrown by a mutual friend of ours, Chet. The party was fun, mostly spent the afternoon shooting the shit with people and playing pool as well. One thing I did notice (and so did Joshua and Bryan) that a lot of the guys looked the same, basically shaved head and goatee, I think that says something about the host's preferences in men.
Anyway, so we got back and watched The Simpsons and Family Guy and American Dad as well, and what I will say about all of the rest of that night is that I love Joshua to death, but he was being a bit overprotective of me in regards to my relations with J. However, he did admit that he really doesn't want to start drama over it, he just wants me to be happy.
As for today, it was basically spent hammering away at this program, and still no success on figuring out what was wrong. So we're going to roll back to the last month's survey release (no content changed so it's a bit more transparent) which gives me some breathing room to figure out what the hell I did to break the damn thing. Actually, this survey is sorely in need of having it's code re-written, and perhaps this situation will make a case to our sponsors to spend the dough to have it done, but we'll see.
Showing posts with label Joshua. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Joshua. Show all posts
December 17, 2007
November 24, 2007
Things That Work, and Things That Don't
As I mentioned in my Thanksgiving post, I spent the day at Joshua's house. In the last few months I've grown to appreciate and enjoy our friendship. He's been good to me in a lot of ways, even if there are those who fail to see that.
Anyway, at the same time, I know he's not perfect either. I got some clarification on one part about him that can make me crazy, but it's not something that's a total negative either. So it depends on how one looks at it.
Joshua is a sweet guy, and he shows it in the fact that he likes to be helpful in some way, shape, or form. He's the kind of guy that if you need help building something, or need a ride, or want to borrow some tools or whatever, he's the guy that is willing to do that. However, there are times he takes it personally if you don't ask for his help. Case in point was that I was going through the Black Friday ad's and I ran across this 45 piece stubby set that was on special at Home Depot for $15. I laughed a bit and pointed out to Joshua that I had just bought that set for that exact price at Costco the day before.
Joshua then tells me, "Why didn't you ask me? I have stuff out in the shed you could have used." I said that I needed a socket wrench set anyway. Later I'm thinking about this and it hits me that Joshua likes it when someone can depend on him in some way, he seems to take it personally when someone does something for themselves when he could have done it for them or at least helped. Thing is, that clashes with my personality, mom and dad, if you're reading this, you know exactly what I am talking about.
I've said it before and I will say it again, I am very independent. Even if I get some help from someone or someone does something for me, I will also try to learn how to do that exact thing for myself so that I don't have to depend on them. Now if it is something best left to the professionals, that's one thing, but something as simple as having some tools around so that I can fix the legs on my couch or build a footboard for my bed is something that I will figure out how to do for myself. It's how I am, and I'm not changing that. If Joshua and I were still together as a couple, it would be something he would have to learn to deal with from me, I flat out told him that I was very independent when he first met me, so it's not like he wasn't warned.
I do appreciate that Joshua is willing to be a good friend, but he doesn't need to take it personally when I do something for myself rather than asking him. I'm sure there's someone else who is more receptive to having him be the one to take care of some things, it just doesn't happen to be me.
Anyway, at the same time, I know he's not perfect either. I got some clarification on one part about him that can make me crazy, but it's not something that's a total negative either. So it depends on how one looks at it.
Joshua is a sweet guy, and he shows it in the fact that he likes to be helpful in some way, shape, or form. He's the kind of guy that if you need help building something, or need a ride, or want to borrow some tools or whatever, he's the guy that is willing to do that. However, there are times he takes it personally if you don't ask for his help. Case in point was that I was going through the Black Friday ad's and I ran across this 45 piece stubby set that was on special at Home Depot for $15. I laughed a bit and pointed out to Joshua that I had just bought that set for that exact price at Costco the day before.
Joshua then tells me, "Why didn't you ask me? I have stuff out in the shed you could have used." I said that I needed a socket wrench set anyway. Later I'm thinking about this and it hits me that Joshua likes it when someone can depend on him in some way, he seems to take it personally when someone does something for themselves when he could have done it for them or at least helped. Thing is, that clashes with my personality, mom and dad, if you're reading this, you know exactly what I am talking about.
I've said it before and I will say it again, I am very independent. Even if I get some help from someone or someone does something for me, I will also try to learn how to do that exact thing for myself so that I don't have to depend on them. Now if it is something best left to the professionals, that's one thing, but something as simple as having some tools around so that I can fix the legs on my couch or build a footboard for my bed is something that I will figure out how to do for myself. It's how I am, and I'm not changing that. If Joshua and I were still together as a couple, it would be something he would have to learn to deal with from me, I flat out told him that I was very independent when he first met me, so it's not like he wasn't warned.
I do appreciate that Joshua is willing to be a good friend, but he doesn't need to take it personally when I do something for myself rather than asking him. I'm sure there's someone else who is more receptive to having him be the one to take care of some things, it just doesn't happen to be me.
Thanksgiving and Black Friday
Thanksgiving was different this year for me, but it was a good one. Instead of being with any family this year, I spent the day with one of my best friends. I went down to Joshua's house where he was cooking dinner, and I brought some pumpkin pie to share. The afternoon was spent watching The Exorcism of Emily Rose, and How It's Made. Dinner consisted of a roasted stuffed chicken, green bean casserole, and mac and cheese. It was excellent, and there was enough left over to take for lunch at work the next day.
After dinner Joshua went to nap, and I headed home to grab some things since we had made plans to hit the Black Friday sales. I got back and watched some TV for a while before Joshua woke up. We had dessert, and then started watching The Return. We got so bored with it after 40 mins. that we ended up turning it off. Around 10 I crashed out since I planned to be up by 2 AM to get in line for Black Friday.
I was woken up at 2 AM, and by 2:30, we were standing at a Best Buy in Alexandria. We estimate that there were about 150 people in front of us. This year I wasn't trying to score one of those overly insane deals on some hot item that people get into fights over. The item I wanted was the new Nintendo DS Lite Gold Bundle. If you know me, you know that I am a Zelda geek, hands down. There were a few stores offering it for Black Friday, and it was not only at that price for a few hours, but it was that way through the weekend. Best Buy sweetened the deal by offering a DS Lite Starter Kit for free if you bought this particular DS.
So we're out there, and it's a bit chilly, people are getting in line and then getting one of their friends to go over to the local IHOP and get coffee or whatever. 3 AM rolls around and they're handing out tickets for various items. The only tickets that made it back our way were for the GPS system and the 40 inch LCD TV. Neither of those were items I wanted (or could have afforded) so it was rather easy to take a pass. I get the feeling the GPS was something the manufacturer really just wanted to unload and get rid of because this Best Buy store had 150 of them.
4 AM rolls around and they've got the cops out there to monitor things and they start tightening up the line to prevent folks from cutting in front. As I would learn, there were folks who were lined up since noon on Thanksgiving. Man, I didn't realize a laptop or TV could be that important to some, but whatever. I'm sure someone reading this will give me shit because I was out at 2 AM, but realistically I knew that the store would be a real clusterfuck if I was farther back in line. I was willing to take the risk.
Finally it's 5 AM and we're in the store by 5:10 or so. I get to video games, the DS's are gone already. So we head out of the store and over to the Target, thinking it had just opened. Nope, Target was opening at 6. Joshua really wasn't looking for anything this Black Friday, he just liked to people watch. However, yesterday he had mentioned he was looking for a Christmas tree and I saw a 7.5 ft pre-lit Christmas tree for $48, which is basically a steal. So we stand in line, there's maybe 40 people in front of us. The Target associates hand us bags with some foodstuffs inside as well as a sort of "survival kit".
The store opens and I get my ass in there and over to Electronics. I ask an associate where to find the DS's, and he tells me to stick by him as they're on their way out right now. So the associate with the cart full of the video game systems comes out and I'm instructed to follow him, he goes to the counter, and then the guy tells me to get in line. It pissed me off a bit because I was told to follow this guy, not get into a line elsewhere, but I just make a remark about getting some bad instructions and head into the line. I get to at least the back part of the counter, and perhaps it was because I had been nice, or the guy realized how I had been misinformed, but he hands the DS to one of the cashiers and calls me up to the front. So in the end, I got my hot little hands on the Nintendo DS that I wanted, plus a $10 gift card to Target since that was part of the promotion. It will be put towards buying screen protectors.
Joshua and I headed to the Christmas section and found the tree in the ad, along with a few odds and ends he needed for himself, and then we got out of Target. Our next stop was over to Michael's since Joshua wanted to pick up a frame for his certificate for completing the number of course hours needed to become an Electrician. Michael's had a coupon for 25% off of your entire purchase if you came in between 6 and 9 AM on Friday, so he found what he was looking for, along with a gingerbread house kit. I dropped him off at home and it was time for me to head to work.
Along the way I saw Macy's so of course I stopped in to see if there was anything to take advantage of. I picked up some 180's headphones that were on sale for $15 and a nice polo shirt that was regularly $55, but on sale for $10. I also tried some Calvin Klein Euphoria cologne that I had sampled in my latest Maxim, but I didn't get it. Actually it's not a bad scent after a few minutes, but when it was first sprayed on, the alcohol smell was a bit overwhelming. I may go and try it again at another store just to see if maybe it was a bad tester bottle.
Got to work and got a lot of work done. I know I was dragging a bit because I was tired, but I still got everything done, plus I got what I wanted. So Thanksgiving and Black Friday were both good days.
After dinner Joshua went to nap, and I headed home to grab some things since we had made plans to hit the Black Friday sales. I got back and watched some TV for a while before Joshua woke up. We had dessert, and then started watching The Return. We got so bored with it after 40 mins. that we ended up turning it off. Around 10 I crashed out since I planned to be up by 2 AM to get in line for Black Friday.
I was woken up at 2 AM, and by 2:30, we were standing at a Best Buy in Alexandria. We estimate that there were about 150 people in front of us. This year I wasn't trying to score one of those overly insane deals on some hot item that people get into fights over. The item I wanted was the new Nintendo DS Lite Gold Bundle. If you know me, you know that I am a Zelda geek, hands down. There were a few stores offering it for Black Friday, and it was not only at that price for a few hours, but it was that way through the weekend. Best Buy sweetened the deal by offering a DS Lite Starter Kit for free if you bought this particular DS.
So we're out there, and it's a bit chilly, people are getting in line and then getting one of their friends to go over to the local IHOP and get coffee or whatever. 3 AM rolls around and they're handing out tickets for various items. The only tickets that made it back our way were for the GPS system and the 40 inch LCD TV. Neither of those were items I wanted (or could have afforded) so it was rather easy to take a pass. I get the feeling the GPS was something the manufacturer really just wanted to unload and get rid of because this Best Buy store had 150 of them.
4 AM rolls around and they've got the cops out there to monitor things and they start tightening up the line to prevent folks from cutting in front. As I would learn, there were folks who were lined up since noon on Thanksgiving. Man, I didn't realize a laptop or TV could be that important to some, but whatever. I'm sure someone reading this will give me shit because I was out at 2 AM, but realistically I knew that the store would be a real clusterfuck if I was farther back in line. I was willing to take the risk.
Finally it's 5 AM and we're in the store by 5:10 or so. I get to video games, the DS's are gone already. So we head out of the store and over to the Target, thinking it had just opened. Nope, Target was opening at 6. Joshua really wasn't looking for anything this Black Friday, he just liked to people watch. However, yesterday he had mentioned he was looking for a Christmas tree and I saw a 7.5 ft pre-lit Christmas tree for $48, which is basically a steal. So we stand in line, there's maybe 40 people in front of us. The Target associates hand us bags with some foodstuffs inside as well as a sort of "survival kit".
The store opens and I get my ass in there and over to Electronics. I ask an associate where to find the DS's, and he tells me to stick by him as they're on their way out right now. So the associate with the cart full of the video game systems comes out and I'm instructed to follow him, he goes to the counter, and then the guy tells me to get in line. It pissed me off a bit because I was told to follow this guy, not get into a line elsewhere, but I just make a remark about getting some bad instructions and head into the line. I get to at least the back part of the counter, and perhaps it was because I had been nice, or the guy realized how I had been misinformed, but he hands the DS to one of the cashiers and calls me up to the front. So in the end, I got my hot little hands on the Nintendo DS that I wanted, plus a $10 gift card to Target since that was part of the promotion. It will be put towards buying screen protectors.
Joshua and I headed to the Christmas section and found the tree in the ad, along with a few odds and ends he needed for himself, and then we got out of Target. Our next stop was over to Michael's since Joshua wanted to pick up a frame for his certificate for completing the number of course hours needed to become an Electrician. Michael's had a coupon for 25% off of your entire purchase if you came in between 6 and 9 AM on Friday, so he found what he was looking for, along with a gingerbread house kit. I dropped him off at home and it was time for me to head to work.
Along the way I saw Macy's so of course I stopped in to see if there was anything to take advantage of. I picked up some 180's headphones that were on sale for $15 and a nice polo shirt that was regularly $55, but on sale for $10. I also tried some Calvin Klein Euphoria cologne that I had sampled in my latest Maxim, but I didn't get it. Actually it's not a bad scent after a few minutes, but when it was first sprayed on, the alcohol smell was a bit overwhelming. I may go and try it again at another store just to see if maybe it was a bad tester bottle.
Got to work and got a lot of work done. I know I was dragging a bit because I was tired, but I still got everything done, plus I got what I wanted. So Thanksgiving and Black Friday were both good days.
October 31, 2007
One last thought
I swear I'll go to bed, but there's just one other thing on my mind that I just wanted to get out.
While Joshua is an ex, yes I still hang out with him. Just because we dated at one point it doesn't mean I can't ever be a friend or still hang out with him. We have a good time together, and we both have no illusions about the bond between us. In fact, if it turns out that the guy he is currently interested in is someone that I know on DC Front Runners, I'll be promoting Joshua to this guy.
So If I hear one more person ask me or Joshua "Why do you hang out with your ex?" or some variation of that, I will hunt them down and beat them senseless with a clue-by-four.
Thank You and Goodnight.
While Joshua is an ex, yes I still hang out with him. Just because we dated at one point it doesn't mean I can't ever be a friend or still hang out with him. We have a good time together, and we both have no illusions about the bond between us. In fact, if it turns out that the guy he is currently interested in is someone that I know on DC Front Runners, I'll be promoting Joshua to this guy.
So If I hear one more person ask me or Joshua "Why do you hang out with your ex?" or some variation of that, I will hunt them down and beat them senseless with a clue-by-four.
Thank You and Goodnight.
August 29, 2007
Working Towards Independence
More stuff packed tonight, in this case, DVD's and all of my Nintendo systems except for the Wii. I still need to sit and watch Crash as well on Netflix.
Saturday night I went and got all of my clothing out and took an inventory of what I owned. I then proceeded to decide what I really wanted to keep, and what could stay. Here's how the numbers broke down:
Original Inventory
Dress Pants: 12
Jeans: 5
PJ Bottoms: 7
Shorts: 8
Athletic Shorts: 10
Dress Shirts: 7
Polo Shirts: 22
T-shirts: 54 (WTF?!)
Tank Tops: 4
Long Sleeve Shirts: 6
Coats: 6
New Inventory
Dress Pants: 8
Jeans: 4
PJ Bottoms: 4
Shorts: 4
Athletic Shorts: 5
Dress Shirts: 5
Polo Shirts: 11
T-shirts: 27
Tank Tops: 4
Long Sleeve Shirts: 4
Coats: 4
So overall I cut my wardrobe in half, and the rest will be going to Damien Ministries because they could definitely use the clothing. It's less stuff I have to move later.
Tomorrow will be a busy day for me, but it will also be fun. I plan on dropping off the clothes, picking up my DSL kit, and doing some more packing, along with a quick trip to Six Flags and the Superman roller coaster. I will also be seeing Joshua and Aiko as well. It would be good to see him because on Saturday we did start a bit of dialog which started some processing about where we are now, what we are looking for, and where things could go. However, we had to cut off the conversation because he needed to get to temple, and my cousins were inside the church hall so I wanted to see them as well. Perhaps tomorrow we can finish the conversation. No I am not expecting a reconciliation, but at least we'll be able to hang out and finish what was started on our own time since it's a time where we don't have to be anywhere else within a few minutes.
It will be good to see him, no matter what happens. I do want Joshua as a part of my life, even if it is as just a friend.
Saturday night I went and got all of my clothing out and took an inventory of what I owned. I then proceeded to decide what I really wanted to keep, and what could stay. Here's how the numbers broke down:
Original Inventory
Dress Pants: 12
Jeans: 5
PJ Bottoms: 7
Shorts: 8
Athletic Shorts: 10
Dress Shirts: 7
Polo Shirts: 22
T-shirts: 54 (WTF?!)
Tank Tops: 4
Long Sleeve Shirts: 6
Coats: 6
New Inventory
Dress Pants: 8
Jeans: 4
PJ Bottoms: 4
Shorts: 4
Athletic Shorts: 5
Dress Shirts: 5
Polo Shirts: 11
T-shirts: 27
Tank Tops: 4
Long Sleeve Shirts: 4
Coats: 4
So overall I cut my wardrobe in half, and the rest will be going to Damien Ministries because they could definitely use the clothing. It's less stuff I have to move later.
Tomorrow will be a busy day for me, but it will also be fun. I plan on dropping off the clothes, picking up my DSL kit, and doing some more packing, along with a quick trip to Six Flags and the Superman roller coaster. I will also be seeing Joshua and Aiko as well. It would be good to see him because on Saturday we did start a bit of dialog which started some processing about where we are now, what we are looking for, and where things could go. However, we had to cut off the conversation because he needed to get to temple, and my cousins were inside the church hall so I wanted to see them as well. Perhaps tomorrow we can finish the conversation. No I am not expecting a reconciliation, but at least we'll be able to hang out and finish what was started on our own time since it's a time where we don't have to be anywhere else within a few minutes.
It will be good to see him, no matter what happens. I do want Joshua as a part of my life, even if it is as just a friend.
August 26, 2007
Misunderstandings and Mishaps
No, this has nothing to do with Godspell, that went well, but it's for another entry.
Remember how I said that Joshua wanted to be "just friends"? According to him, he said the wrong thing because what he really wanted was to step back for a few weeks because I was busy with things, between Godspell, moving, and work, he felt I was spreading myself very thin and that it was not a good time for me to also be focused on him as well.
I get the feeling there's bit of projection here, he wanted a bit of time for himself to figure some things out, but he also forced me to do a bit of the same. As it is, he's started using his gym membership more and he's going to temple. I'm looking into a gym membership after I move, and I've been very involved in my church. So we definitely have made some changes to get into some good routines for ourselves.
He's made it clear that he wants to be with me in some capacity, whether it's friends or more, thought right now he's definitely leaning towards more. He's looking at the current situation as sort of a bump in the road, and we'll see what it does.
Now I need to think about things, whether I want to go with a relationship with him after my moving and everything else is done, or if I would rather wait to try to sort some other things out and just remain friends for a while. Perhaps we need to see other people first, and if either of us find someone else that makes us happy, well then it wasn't meant to be as a relationship.
It's just so hard to say that right now because when I am around him, I'm happy. If someone could read my mind this past Saturday they would see that even though I got a bit anxious about him being there because I didn't want to make it seem like I was pining for him, I was really so very happy to see him and be around him. Then to have him come up and hug me after the show and give me a kiss and tell me what a great job I did, that was something that just put me on cloud 9. I was so unhappy when he had told me he wanted to just be friends, but I was learning to accept that thought as well. In all honesty, I would rather do what it takes to make both of us truly happy, and yeah, if it meant letting him go, I would do it. I would rather be happy being with him, whether it's just friends or more than friends, than try to create this fantasy that we should be together as boyfriends and make each other miserable instead. That was the mistake I made with Mike, and I'm not going to repeat it again.
So tonight we talked and he told me that yeah, he screwed up with the original message he sent, he was just trying to do what he thought would make me happy for right now, because he said he could tell I was getting very stressed. I don't think it quite clicked that him stepping back added some extra stress for a while there, especially because the reasons I was getting did not make sense. Now whether it was because I wasn't interpreting what he was saying, or because he wasn't doing a good job of explaining it, or even because he was keeping it back from me, I can't say for sure.
All in all, what it comes down to is that I want to be around Joshua in some form because he is a good guy to be with, he's done a lot of good for me and he treats me well. Yes, were these recent events a shit thing to do? Yeah, and I recognize that, and it makes him a bit more human. But, I'm also able to bring that up to him that "yeah, that was kind of a shit thing and it left me very confused as to why you did it." So he now knows that he wasn't very clear when he originally said he just wanted to be friends.
He's going to be going home next week to help his parents out. I think he should also use that time to think things over about us, and see how he really feels about things. I have a planned vacation coming up myself, and I will do the same. What comes out of it, we will see. I really really like this guy, and maybe it's even love, but maybe it's not, and I should really sit down and think things out for myself and where I want to go from here. I know what my parents would say, which would be that I should date a number of different people, but I'm a bit resistant to that idea, but that's a whole other can of worms that I shouldn't get into right now unless I want to be awake for another hour.
As for mishaps, as I was working to unlock the door tonight, I had a 6-pack box of beer that had four beers, one small bottle of Absolut, and a small bottle of Alize, and the bottom dropped out on the box. So crash goes a bunch of glass bottles onto the hallway floor. My next door neighbor comes out to see what happened and I tell her, so at least she knows that no, there's not a serious problem going on here. Somehow the side of my ankle got cut, so I had to bandage that up. Then I had to sweep and mop up broken glass and alcohol. Two beers and the Absolut were victims in this case, everything else was amazingly okay.
Remember how I said that Joshua wanted to be "just friends"? According to him, he said the wrong thing because what he really wanted was to step back for a few weeks because I was busy with things, between Godspell, moving, and work, he felt I was spreading myself very thin and that it was not a good time for me to also be focused on him as well.
I get the feeling there's bit of projection here, he wanted a bit of time for himself to figure some things out, but he also forced me to do a bit of the same. As it is, he's started using his gym membership more and he's going to temple. I'm looking into a gym membership after I move, and I've been very involved in my church. So we definitely have made some changes to get into some good routines for ourselves.
He's made it clear that he wants to be with me in some capacity, whether it's friends or more, thought right now he's definitely leaning towards more. He's looking at the current situation as sort of a bump in the road, and we'll see what it does.
Now I need to think about things, whether I want to go with a relationship with him after my moving and everything else is done, or if I would rather wait to try to sort some other things out and just remain friends for a while. Perhaps we need to see other people first, and if either of us find someone else that makes us happy, well then it wasn't meant to be as a relationship.
It's just so hard to say that right now because when I am around him, I'm happy. If someone could read my mind this past Saturday they would see that even though I got a bit anxious about him being there because I didn't want to make it seem like I was pining for him, I was really so very happy to see him and be around him. Then to have him come up and hug me after the show and give me a kiss and tell me what a great job I did, that was something that just put me on cloud 9. I was so unhappy when he had told me he wanted to just be friends, but I was learning to accept that thought as well. In all honesty, I would rather do what it takes to make both of us truly happy, and yeah, if it meant letting him go, I would do it. I would rather be happy being with him, whether it's just friends or more than friends, than try to create this fantasy that we should be together as boyfriends and make each other miserable instead. That was the mistake I made with Mike, and I'm not going to repeat it again.
So tonight we talked and he told me that yeah, he screwed up with the original message he sent, he was just trying to do what he thought would make me happy for right now, because he said he could tell I was getting very stressed. I don't think it quite clicked that him stepping back added some extra stress for a while there, especially because the reasons I was getting did not make sense. Now whether it was because I wasn't interpreting what he was saying, or because he wasn't doing a good job of explaining it, or even because he was keeping it back from me, I can't say for sure.
All in all, what it comes down to is that I want to be around Joshua in some form because he is a good guy to be with, he's done a lot of good for me and he treats me well. Yes, were these recent events a shit thing to do? Yeah, and I recognize that, and it makes him a bit more human. But, I'm also able to bring that up to him that "yeah, that was kind of a shit thing and it left me very confused as to why you did it." So he now knows that he wasn't very clear when he originally said he just wanted to be friends.
He's going to be going home next week to help his parents out. I think he should also use that time to think things over about us, and see how he really feels about things. I have a planned vacation coming up myself, and I will do the same. What comes out of it, we will see. I really really like this guy, and maybe it's even love, but maybe it's not, and I should really sit down and think things out for myself and where I want to go from here. I know what my parents would say, which would be that I should date a number of different people, but I'm a bit resistant to that idea, but that's a whole other can of worms that I shouldn't get into right now unless I want to be awake for another hour.
As for mishaps, as I was working to unlock the door tonight, I had a 6-pack box of beer that had four beers, one small bottle of Absolut, and a small bottle of Alize, and the bottom dropped out on the box. So crash goes a bunch of glass bottles onto the hallway floor. My next door neighbor comes out to see what happened and I tell her, so at least she knows that no, there's not a serious problem going on here. Somehow the side of my ankle got cut, so I had to bandage that up. Then I had to sweep and mop up broken glass and alcohol. Two beers and the Absolut were victims in this case, everything else was amazingly okay.
August 21, 2007
Well now...
I got my things back from Joshua on Sunday, and we talked for a bit.
Basically he says that I need to get settled down and not spread myself so thin. I'm willing to accept that yes, I got spread pretty thin these last few weeks, but hell, I wasn't expecting I was going to just get fed up with a few things around here and move, and I didn't expect Godspell to take up as much time as it did, among other things. Then again, he could also have some unreasonable expectations as to how I spend my time. There's so much I have done in the last few weeks that have been nothing but good for me.
Besides working with Godspell, which even though yes I'm ready for it to be over, I have had fun with it. Plus I have made a few friends out of the experience, including some soon to be neighbors. I took a self-defense course so that I can at least try to fend off an attacker, and I will be taking an advanced course. Since these courses were only one-day courses, I may look into taking a real series of the courses at a nearby martial arts academy. I've done a lot of walking, a lot of hiking, got to even try out some kayaking. If anything, it's defined further what I do enjoy doing, and it's also led me to be more of an independent person.
It was fun with Joshua while it lasted, I learned a lot, and he still wants to be friends, that's cool. I'm getting past the whole "I blew it with a great guy" phase at this point. All the haters can start crawling out of the woodwork now to bash Joshua all you want if it will make you feel better. Funny how you can talk to Mike about my relationships, but you don't have the guts to say it to me. According to Mike, a whole lot of people didn't think that what I was doing was right based on what he was telling you, and to that I say sit and spin. There's two sides to every story and there's a lot of context that you don't get unless you're there.
Anyway it's just time to start a new chapter in my life, which is having my own place and doing my own thing. We'll see where the road leads. The one defined variable is that I am not going to even bother with re-activating any of my dating profiles or even looking for a date until at least a month after I move. It's time for a break in that regard.
Basically he says that I need to get settled down and not spread myself so thin. I'm willing to accept that yes, I got spread pretty thin these last few weeks, but hell, I wasn't expecting I was going to just get fed up with a few things around here and move, and I didn't expect Godspell to take up as much time as it did, among other things. Then again, he could also have some unreasonable expectations as to how I spend my time. There's so much I have done in the last few weeks that have been nothing but good for me.
Besides working with Godspell, which even though yes I'm ready for it to be over, I have had fun with it. Plus I have made a few friends out of the experience, including some soon to be neighbors. I took a self-defense course so that I can at least try to fend off an attacker, and I will be taking an advanced course. Since these courses were only one-day courses, I may look into taking a real series of the courses at a nearby martial arts academy. I've done a lot of walking, a lot of hiking, got to even try out some kayaking. If anything, it's defined further what I do enjoy doing, and it's also led me to be more of an independent person.
It was fun with Joshua while it lasted, I learned a lot, and he still wants to be friends, that's cool. I'm getting past the whole "I blew it with a great guy" phase at this point. All the haters can start crawling out of the woodwork now to bash Joshua all you want if it will make you feel better. Funny how you can talk to Mike about my relationships, but you don't have the guts to say it to me. According to Mike, a whole lot of people didn't think that what I was doing was right based on what he was telling you, and to that I say sit and spin. There's two sides to every story and there's a lot of context that you don't get unless you're there.
Anyway it's just time to start a new chapter in my life, which is having my own place and doing my own thing. We'll see where the road leads. The one defined variable is that I am not going to even bother with re-activating any of my dating profiles or even looking for a date until at least a month after I move. It's time for a break in that regard.
Labels:
dating,
ex's,
Godspell,
Joshua,
moving,
stupid anonymous internet bitches,
thoughts
1 comments
August 17, 2007
Life Throws Me a Curve
Well folks, it looks like I'm back on the market again. I was informed by Joshua that he had been doing a lot of thinking and he wants to be just friends. I kind of saw this coming as I had noticed a change in his behavior the past week. I'm okay, it does hurt right now because I care for him and this was a bit sudden.
Tomorrow I'm going to call him, and return a few things of his that I have, and get some of my things back from his place. There will likely be a cooling off period but I do hope that we can be friends because he is a nice guy in general and I did like hanging out with him.
Tomorrow I'm going to call him, and return a few things of his that I have, and get some of my things back from his place. There will likely be a cooling off period but I do hope that we can be friends because he is a nice guy in general and I did like hanging out with him.
July 30, 2007
*grin*
You know you have a great boyfriend when not only will he do your laundry at his house so you don't have to pay $3.00 a load at your complex, and not only does he fold and hang up the laundry, but he also will drive 1/2 an hour to bring the laundry to you when you're done with rehearsal.
He's a keeper.
He's a keeper.
July 28, 2007
WTF?
I don't know what is going on, but there is an Alexandria Police helicopter circling pretty low and we keep seeing it fly over Joshua's house. I just heard police sirens go by so it makes me wonder, car chase, shooting, robbery, what? I'm half waiting to hear the officers on the copter say "Go into your houses immediately!"
Of course there's nothing on the local DC channels, nor WTOP or the Washington Post. I guess I'll find out tomorrow when it's all over.
Of course there's nothing on the local DC channels, nor WTOP or the Washington Post. I guess I'll find out tomorrow when it's all over.
July 10, 2007
Guilt By Association
Much like me, my boyfriend Joshua lives with his ex in the same living space. However, whereas Mike and I are able to get along most of the time, Joshua and his ex really aren't getting along, and it's reached the point where even I have been dragged into it a bit.
No, this is not some story about some fight I've witnessed or any bitching that may have been done. I'm just noticing the change in behavior, where the ex and his new boyfriend have gone from talking to me to not even so much as looking at me or Josh when we're in the room. I don't know what has got their panties in a knot, and quite frankly, I probably don't need to know. However, it's rather annoying when I know I've worked to be pleasant to folks, and they can't show the same respect towards me. I don't know if there was some fight recently between Joshua and his ex, and even if I was informed of it, the information would likely be one-sided and heresy and so I'd take it with a grain of salt.
Too bad for the ex, because it only sets it up in my mind that Joshua had very good reasons to leave him and that he's doing much better being with me.
No, this is not some story about some fight I've witnessed or any bitching that may have been done. I'm just noticing the change in behavior, where the ex and his new boyfriend have gone from talking to me to not even so much as looking at me or Josh when we're in the room. I don't know what has got their panties in a knot, and quite frankly, I probably don't need to know. However, it's rather annoying when I know I've worked to be pleasant to folks, and they can't show the same respect towards me. I don't know if there was some fight recently between Joshua and his ex, and even if I was informed of it, the information would likely be one-sided and heresy and so I'd take it with a grain of salt.
Too bad for the ex, because it only sets it up in my mind that Joshua had very good reasons to leave him and that he's doing much better being with me.
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