Sabbatical

...Or "Why Mangi Needs to Pay Attention to Himself and Not be Such a Fuck Up"

Despite the fact that JH and I broke up a few months ago, we have continued to remain good friends, as evidenced by the recent travels. However, since we have been hanging out, there has been that bit of tension there since we were once a couple. I admit that despite it all, I still had feelings for JH.

Recently JH approached me about getting back together. I held off because I wasn't sure I wanted to get back with him, plus due to some of the reasons behind the breakup, I questioned his motives. I wanted to be sure it was JH who wanted me back because he wanted to be with me and not because it was him being jealous that I had been seeing other people. He wasn't happy with the fact that I kept on questioning him, but I just needed to know it.

Last weekend it all came to a head, and what it came down to was "Are you going to be with me, or not, because I am not going to wait around forever for an answer." I'm sitting there and I am trying to sort out what I am feeling because I want him back but I am not completely ready to say yes. Yet I ultimately said I wanted to be back together.

So there, we were a couple again, but something still didn't feel right. A few days later we had another conversation, and JH said "Are you absolutely sure you want to have a relationship?" and I said yes, thinking that I did. I wanted to be with JH because we had a good thing going on and I thought we could make it work again.

Then I woke up the next morning and one of my first thoughts was "Mangi, what the fuck are you doing? You're not ready for this, you're going to lose your independence." Finally it came out as to just what it was that was bothering me.

When I was single again, I relished being completely independent. As my parents can tell you, I have always had a streak of wanting to be independent and do things on my own. After JS but before JH, I had actually learned that I was fine with being on my own, I could do it without a problem. I liked it when I could do what I wanted, when I wanted, and I didn't have to answer to someone over what I was doing and/or what I wanted to do. Now don't get me wrong in that I liked doing things with JH because we had very similar interests and could find stuff that was mutually satisfying, I just happened to re-discover selfishness and I liked it.

So now I am in this quandry, I like being with JH, but I also like my independence. How to resolve this? Well let's be honest, there isn't really a good way to do that right now, especially because being in a relationship means that no, you can't just do what you want, and yes, you won't just automatically get your own way.

I tell about this to one of my friends, and he proceeds to lay a verbal smack upside the head as to what I was doing, and he threw to me some advice, which will come up later.

So now its the matter of how do I explain this to JH? For the next few days I would agonize over this because I knew this was a potential minefield, plus I was kicking myself because in my mind, I screwed up big time, and JH would have every right to be angry and not want anything to do with me, and I would have deserved it. In the meantime, I was also cautious around him, not trying to overly flirt or whatever because if it came to that we needed to step back and just be friends, I didn't want to lead him on and therefore make things worse.

Finally tonight I just admitted to everything that was bothering me. Surprisingly enough JH wasn't mad at me, and was rather understanding. He had picked up something was not right from me, and he was just waiting for me to admit that I wasn't ready for a relationship. He doesn't want to be in a relationship if I am having doubts about being able to commit, and I don't blame him, I wouldn't want to be in that either. He doesn't hate me and still wants to be friends. In fact, we're attending the Ravens vs Browns game tomorrow, so I should be in bed now, but I had to get this out.

Anyway, in the meantime however I am taking the advice of my friend. I am taking a hiatus from dating right now. I still want to hang out with friends, meet new people and such, but I am not actively seeking to date or even just get some. I am going to take time for myself and do just what it is that I want, and also learn more about just what it is I want out of my life and my relationships. I know I will be better for it.

One last thought

I swear I'll go to bed, but there's just one other thing on my mind that I just wanted to get out.

While Joshua is an ex, yes I still hang out with him. Just because we dated at one point it doesn't mean I can't ever be a friend or still hang out with him. We have a good time together, and we both have no illusions about the bond between us. In fact, if it turns out that the guy he is currently interested in is someone that I know on DC Front Runners, I'll be promoting Joshua to this guy.

So If I hear one more person ask me or Joshua "Why do you hang out with your ex?" or some variation of that, I will hunt them down and beat them senseless with a clue-by-four.

Thank You and Goodnight.

Well now...

I got my things back from Joshua on Sunday, and we talked for a bit.

Basically he says that I need to get settled down and not spread myself so thin. I'm willing to accept that yes, I got spread pretty thin these last few weeks, but hell, I wasn't expecting I was going to just get fed up with a few things around here and move, and I didn't expect Godspell to take up as much time as it did, among other things. Then again, he could also have some unreasonable expectations as to how I spend my time. There's so much I have done in the last few weeks that have been nothing but good for me.

Besides working with Godspell, which even though yes I'm ready for it to be over, I have had fun with it. Plus I have made a few friends out of the experience, including some soon to be neighbors. I took a self-defense course so that I can at least try to fend off an attacker, and I will be taking an advanced course. Since these courses were only one-day courses, I may look into taking a real series of the courses at a nearby martial arts academy. I've done a lot of walking, a lot of hiking, got to even try out some kayaking. If anything, it's defined further what I do enjoy doing, and it's also led me to be more of an independent person.

It was fun with Joshua while it lasted, I learned a lot, and he still wants to be friends, that's cool. I'm getting past the whole "I blew it with a great guy" phase at this point. All the haters can start crawling out of the woodwork now to bash Joshua all you want if it will make you feel better. Funny how you can talk to Mike about my relationships, but you don't have the guts to say it to me. According to Mike, a whole lot of people didn't think that what I was doing was right based on what he was telling you, and to that I say sit and spin. There's two sides to every story and there's a lot of context that you don't get unless you're there.

Anyway it's just time to start a new chapter in my life, which is having my own place and doing my own thing. We'll see where the road leads. The one defined variable is that I am not going to even bother with re-activating any of my dating profiles or even looking for a date until at least a month after I move. It's time for a break in that regard.

Life Throws Me a Curve

Well folks, it looks like I'm back on the market again. I was informed by Joshua that he had been doing a lot of thinking and he wants to be just friends. I kind of saw this coming as I had noticed a change in his behavior the past week. I'm okay, it does hurt right now because I care for him and this was a bit sudden.

Tomorrow I'm going to call him, and return a few things of his that I have, and get some of my things back from his place. There will likely be a cooling off period but I do hope that we can be friends because he is a nice guy in general and I did like hanging out with him.

Guilt By Association

Much like me, my boyfriend Joshua lives with his ex in the same living space. However, whereas Mike and I are able to get along most of the time, Joshua and his ex really aren't getting along, and it's reached the point where even I have been dragged into it a bit.

No, this is not some story about some fight I've witnessed or any bitching that may have been done. I'm just noticing the change in behavior, where the ex and his new boyfriend have gone from talking to me to not even so much as looking at me or Josh when we're in the room. I don't know what has got their panties in a knot, and quite frankly, I probably don't need to know. However, it's rather annoying when I know I've worked to be pleasant to folks, and they can't show the same respect towards me. I don't know if there was some fight recently between Joshua and his ex, and even if I was informed of it, the information would likely be one-sided and heresy and so I'd take it with a grain of salt.

Too bad for the ex, because it only sets it up in my mind that Joshua had very good reasons to leave him and that he's doing much better being with me.

Tensions...

...or why my life feels like an episode of "The Starter Wife" sometimes.

It's been nearly two months since I broke up with Mike, and I get the feeling there are some mutual friends who have problems with the fact that we broke up. I should have expected it of course, but I'm just not happy with the way it's being handled, especially because I have no real way to do or say anything about it that won't cause drama. Even talking about it here has the potential to start a drama-war.

I have noticed that some have become rather quiet towards me. They would regularly talk to me before, but now it almost seems like I have to wave my arms to get their attention, and even then, it can feel a bit tense. Okay, maybe it didn't help for some that I have started bringing a new guy around. However, I wouldn't necessarily bring a guy around my friends unless I felt that everyone involved could get along and at least be on a good level of respect. I'm not the type who is going to bring around a new guy every week, I don't change boyfriends as often as I change the sheets on my bed.

Still, the situation ties in a bit to "The Starter Wife" in that when those wives lose their husbands, suddenly they're cut off from their friends and all their connections that got them into places or the things they wanted. I feel that some are either consciously or unconsciously punishing me over my own breakup by cutting me out of the picture. It's not a good feeling, if only because I have been making an effort to be out with the people I know. I am a social person, I don't deny that, and the last thing I would do is cut someone off just because their relationship changed, so am I wrong for wanting the same sort of respect from the people I know?

This is not easy, but I hope with time that tensions ease and people become comfortable with the fact that I'm not with Mike anymore, I'm moving on because I can't just sit at home and mope, that's not going to do anything to help me.